I never understood why my mother cried each time the kids, Darrell & I would leave their home in Buffalo - and head back to our home in North Carolina. Geesh - what's up with that? Ah youth. How stupid.
Well, my kids and my grandkids left this morning after a raucous, noisy, energetic 10 delightful day visit. And here I am crying. If I had to define it, it leaves me feeling old. Not sure why. I have a great life -- full, I thought. Until the kids leave. And then this emptiness sets in -- and I realize I will never be young....and as hard as I attempt to be part of their lives, that is all I am....a part. I can touch their youth. I can hold them hard. And then they go off -- to live their life. Like I lived mine.
And I lived mine well. Normal life. Never did make the big deal, remembered by everyone on earth person I thought I would be. But the song "My Way" has worked large in my life. So I have absolutely no, none, zilch, nada complaints.
But when the kids leave, I realize I am vulnerable to getting old. I am forever for the rest of my life going be a destination. A place to come and visit where we have fun, drink, eat, love, laugh, hug, enjoy -- and just when I am used to the noise that little ones make, YIKES it is quiet again. The quiet I thought I liked.
All of which means I am on my way to elderly. A long ways from it in my mind. Not so far away in years. There is no turning back. There is no grabbing my son and daughter and making them little ones again so we can go through it all again. No better or worse than last time. Just again.
Not going to happen. ( I am so not pleased with that reality.) (On the way to elderly, does one ever get pleased with that reality?)
If I cannot grab back that youth, then I am left with one option and one option only. I am going to have to live "on the way to elderly" loudly with gusto, enthusiasm, and "my way" just as I did their youth and mine.
So the next time they leave me for their homes out-of-state, I am not going to stand quietly crying in the doorway for none to see and none to know. Nope, I am going to run down the driveway after their car screaming at the top of my lungs "DON'T LEAVE ME!"
And that's how to act On The Way to Elderly.
