There has to be somewhere where my heart can bleed out -- where I can express all the pain and the lonliness now that GiGi McGillacutty Stuart has been put down.  She was my best friend -- home with me for the last 12 years -- and I put her down.  I do not understand death.  I do not understand why she (and they) had to leave me.  I totally don't understand.  Life should go on.  Why must it stop?  My heart is not happy. 

And then you have....

Tomorrow I put GiGi down.  She is the last of my caretaking responsibilities.  For 33 1/2 years, I have cared for children, parents, couple of dogs and a cat.  Now they have, in effect, left me.  Some through death -- some from moving away physically -- and sometimes mentally -- Didn't think of myself as "caretaker" -- never ever considered that in defining me.  But now that GiGi is leaving me (I'm putting her down - but note that "she is leaving me"), I have to ask -- "what's left?".  It brings up so many questions -- Who am I now?  Who was I then?  Why can't I be that now?  What is life about?  What will the next 25 years be about?  No more caretaking leaves me with nothing important to do -- no one depending on me.